I have always been a bit inquisitive. I love to learn. My mind is just naturally systematic and analytical. My very name means, “little learned one.” I like to understand. I like to connect the dots. But in Christian life, we all know that doesn’t always happen for us. God isn’t giving math lessons, he’s giving trust opportunities.
I am an idealist, always, and a perfectionist, often, which I combine to term a frustrated-ist. I want life explained. I want grief explained. I want pain explained. I just want things to make perfect sense, all the time, and in every way. When they don’t, ashamedly, I often stand around like a little girl crying helplessly, and, hopelessly.
Well, I found my soul sister yesterday in the scriptures.
At the church on the beach yesterday, the pastor spoke on John 20. I’ve been asking God to speak to me since I’ve been here and I believe he did. The problem with God is that he doesn’t often say the things we want to hear. God says the things we need to hear.
In John 20 we find that after Jesus died and was buried, Mary Magdalene was the first person to visit his tomb. Early in the morning, while it was still dark, in the same way she rose to serve and prepare for the days she spent following him, Mary went to be with a Jesus she had just watched die. Mary was a faithful woman who was woke up early to be with Jesus daily – when he lived, and even after he died.
She was a faithful woman. And any woman who is especially faithful to Jesus is suspect in the eyes of everyone. Yet, here, we find a woman being faithful to be the very first to visit his grave, tell the disciples he is gone, and the very first person privileged to see the risen Lord.
After she witnesses the empty tomb, she goes to tell a couple other disciples. They saw, they believed, and they left. But Mary stayed. She continued to cry outside. Mary stood alone weeping. Angels asked her why and she said she did not know where Jesus was.
She didn’t know where He was.
How many times do we stand alone crying because we just can’t find Our Lord? We wonder where he could possibly be in all the pain. Like Mary, we search around for a dead Jesus instead of a living one.
But Jesus came to Mary. She thought he was a gardener. Mary didn’t recognize Jesus until he spoke her name. Mary knew his voice well because she’d been with him so much. I imagine there was a great tenderness in their exchange because of how Mary reacted. I imagine it so also because I know his voice and I heard it as he taught me these same lessons yesterday.
Mary called him “teacher” because she felt she needed to be taught. She didn’t understand how he could be alive when she had just watched him die. Mary was looking for a dead Jesus, not a living one.
The thing about a dead Jesus is that he doesn’t do anything. A living Jesus asks us to trust him. A dead Jesus just hangs on the wall in a picture frame. A living Jesus expects us to obey. A dead Jesus would be a reason to stand alone crying helplessly and hopelessly. A living Jesus is a reason to absorb all of our grief and go and tell others about him. These facts beg the question, “Which am I really doing when I do not understand my life?”
Jesus did not explain his resurrection to Mary as she asked. Jesus did not explain anything. Instead, Jesus told her to go and to tell her brothers that she had seen the Lord.
Jesus essentially tells Mary to tell everyone that He’s alive and to do so in spite of everything she cannot understand – despite the fact that so many had smeared her reputation; Despite the fact that she was a woman and many would not take her seriously; Despite her sinful past; Despite her grief, pain, and doubt; Despite her desperate desire to stay with him and cling to him; Despite being the first and the only person to have seen Jesus alive after his death at this point – He tells her to go and tell others that He is alive.
What are your despites?
Jesus is not going to explain all the pain. He isn’t going to explain the things we do not understand. Jesus is not teaching us geometry. Jesus is teaching us how to trust him.
And if Jesus can redeem himself, Jesus can redeem our lives. If Jesus can redeem himself, Jesus can redeem our relationships. If Jesus can redeem himself, Jesus can redeem every single one of we doubting disciples…even when we happen to be women. Jesus is the king of redemption. Surely he can redeem our lives in the very same way he redeemed his own.
So I am going to work on trying to stop asking him to explain. I’m going to start asking him who He wants me to tell and where He wants me to go. I’m certain that he will explain everything else later.
Everyday Encounters With the Creator 